Sunday, June 19, 2005

Asking For It

Well, here I am again. Things have changed a bit around our house. After the success of the last episode, I got brave and decided to go for broke. So I wrote hubby a letter, which follows in its entirety:
Hi honey!

I can just hear you thinking - oh god, two notes in one week - what does this woman want from me?! (By the way - Saturday night? Excellent!) Well, I'll tell you. I've been doing a lot of thinking, especially since Saturday night. Gotta tell ya - that take charge hubby routine was a real turn on. Made me realize that I really do want - wait, change that - need to see that more often. But not just from the aspect of it being a lead-up to fun and games (although that's good too). This is difficult to put into words, so bear with me.

You have said that I never give you any real reason to spank me. First off, I think you're fibbing. Second off, if that's true, I need to explain to you how certain parts of my brain work. As I'm sure you know, I was raised fairly spoiled (quit laughing!). And for all my adult life, I've pretty much been allowed to do as I please. Isn't that a good thing, you may ask? Sometimes, yes. But after a while, you get to the point where you feel like no one expects anything from you or cares what you do, and you can do whatever you want without any consequences, so you keep on pushing. Before you know it, you're just off doing your own thing, but it's no fun because you're feeling at loose ends as there's no sense of purpose, no sense of combined effort in the relationship.

So what this all boils down to is that someone like me (hard-headed!) needs concrete reminders that I can't always do what I want, and that there are some limits and guidelines that I'm expected to follow. I want to have a sense of accomplishment when I've followed the rules and helped achieve a goal, and I need to know that if I screw up, someone loves me enough to call me on it and demand better from me. I also want you to feel secure enough in our relationship to expect these things from me and not feel like a bully when you have to say no or punish me when I've gone and done it anyway.

Before I go any further, I know you cringed at the phrase 'punish me'. I know you don't like that idea. But like it or not darling, you married a woman who still is and always will be a spoiled little girl at heart. While I love and expect to get praise for having done it right, I'm stubborn enough that I need to know that if I misbehave, I'm going to have to pay for it with a physical reminder of some sort. Just telling me to 'please don't do that again' doesn't seem to cut it. I forget, or I don't think it's important enough to pay attention. However, knowing what a real spanking feels like and knowing that if I go too far I will get one would surely make me think twice and remember that it IS important. I trust you with everything I have, and I know you wouldn't go too far. So don't look at punishing me as something cruel, think of it as a reality check to help me keep focused on the important things. Besides, there are other forms of punishment that don't involve spanking. You've read enough stories!

Therefore, I would like to propose a starting point. Back to the way my brain works. You've told me in the past to 'be careful with the credit card'. Well, hate to say it, but to me, being careful means 'Hey, I haven't bought anything in a couple of days! Haven't I been good!' Without any guidelines, I tend to forget what I've spent. I know the purchases add up, but I just don't seem to keep a running total in my head. Even if I did, I'm not sure I would know where the 'being careful' line is. Can you honestly say that there haven't been times when you've seen yet another DVD come through the door and you just wanted to 'yank and spank'? I'll bet you have - I've seen that look on your face! So I'm suggesting that you give me an amount that I can spend - all on my own, no questions asked - on the frivolous things, each week or each month. Be clear about what I can look forward to if I go over my allowance (maybe a preliminary demonstration?). At the end of whatever time period you choose, we tally it all up and if I've gone over, I know what's coming. And remember the other side of the coin - if I've been good and stayed under, you also get to have fun in rewarding me, not to mention feeling good that the bank account hasn't been plundered! And as we get better at it, the plan can always be adjusted to suit us. Rules can be added or taken away, etc. Over time, we would find out what works for us.

Ok, I know I've just thrown a lot at you. And I'm sure I'm being a bit selfish in asking you to take on this kind of responsibility. But it puts responsibility on my shoulders too - I have to be willing to submit to the fact that in some situations, someone has to have the final word and be the head of the house, and I want that person to be you. (See? If I can actually use the word submit, you can get used to the word punish!) The whole idea may do nothing for you. I know it's a lot to ask. But I'm a firm believer that if you don't ask, you don't get. (All right, all right! If pushed, I will admit that the kinky side of me flares up a bit at the thought of receiving a stern lecture while standing with panties down, nose to the wall, awaiting the inevitable. Just makes you all the more sexy to me, sweetie!) So it's up to you. If you're not interested, just say so. I would never want you to do anything you truly don't want to do. But if you're for it, let me know. I respect and trust you more than you know and I can honestly tell you that this is something I really feel would be good for me. I've already spent 20 years of my adult life being left to my own devises, and I didn't like feeling like no one really cared what I did. I want us to be a team. So - how does your side of the team feel about all this? Would this be good for you too? I'll respect whatever you decide. But please let me know soon as my nerves can't take much more than it already took to write this!

All my love,


I gave him the letter on Tuesday. Actually, I left it on the footstool before I left for work so he could read it while I was gone. Talk about stewing in your own juices! When I got home, I didn't say anything since I know how he is about thinking things over in his head for a while. By Wednesday night, he still hadn't said anything and I couldn't stand it any longer. I asked what he thought of my ideas. He said he liked them - whew! He also said we would discuss it all over the weekend, or maybe Friday night. I agreed and just counted the hours until Friday. So what happened then? Did all go as planned? Stay tuned............