Monday, June 20, 2005

Bad Friday

Hell's bells and to heck with all of them! You know, not only will men not ask for directions, but they also have a hard time taking them when given - LOL! I really thought my letter was pretty clear, ya know? I thought I had spelled everything out and told him exactly what I was looking for. I mean, I know Domestic Discipline is about him telling me how to behave, not the other way around, but ya gotta start somewhere for cryin' out loud! I figured I had made the first move, so it was his turn. Can we guess where this is headed? That's right - straight down the tubes!

Ok, deep breath, stop venting, start explaining. Where was I? Oh yeah, Friday night. Ick. First of all, I knew it was going to be hard for him to talk about this. So I gently nudged. Then I gently nudged a little more. Finally, just about NUDGED him right off the couch! You know, men get very monosyllabic when they're uncomfortable. Lots of throat clearing, grunting - I thought I was out in the wild hunting boar. Eventually, he produced the credit card bill and waved it at me. "There's - um - a lot of - um - charges on there - ahem - for eBay," says he. "Yes?" says I. "And......?" "Uh - you really need to - um - cut down on those." Oh for shit's sake! I knew this was a waste of time, I could see it coming a mile away! Didn't I just tell him in my letter that telling me to "be careful" didn't cut it? "Fine," I choked out. I tried again. "So what does that mean exactly?" "Well, um, it means we need to, uh, set some, ahem, limits." I waited. Held my breath. Was he going to do it? Then he did it. He asked me. He ASKED me! "What kind of limits did you have in mind?"

AARRRGGGHHH! This wasn't what I wanted! (Ok, I was still in brat mode, so you'll have to forgive my hissy fit.) I wanted him to step up to the plate and TELL me how it was going to be, not ASK me! This wasn't going like I planned, or at least hoped. All my visions of being told by my big, strong, authoritative hubby that "This is how it's going to be, young lady, or you'll get a good spanking" went straight out the door. I had already had one marriage where my husband had let me run the show and make all the rules while basically ignoring me, and guess what? I wasn't married to him anymore! Here I thought I had finally found the man who was going to be not only my partner and soulmate, but also my protector and guide, and my hopes were being dashed. So I did what any brat worth her weight does - I pouted. I sulked. Crossed my arms, curled up on my side of the couch, let the black cloud descend over my head, the whole nine yards. "Just never mind," snapped I. "You can't talk about it, you can't do it. Forget I said anything." Pretty much left him doing that thing fish do with their mouths when you take them out of the water. The rest of the evening was a loss. I finally flounced (great brat word!) out of the room and up to the computer where I spent most of the rest of the night. He made a few weak efforts to talk to me over the next few hours but I just gave him that high-pitched "No problems. Don't worry about it. I'm fine!" speech. (Yes, I know. He should have grabbed me at that point and paddled my behind for being such a pain! My point exactly!) I waited until he gave up and went to bed before coming out of the computer room.

The next day - Saturday - wasn't any better. I had to work in the morning so he drove me in. Demanded a kiss good-bye which I peckishly gave him before getting out of the car. When he picked me up again early that afternoon, I was still in high-sulk mode. As he drove us home, he said that while I was at work, he had planned to re-read my letter, but it had disappeared? I knew he was asking what I had done with it, but I wasn't telling - I just glared out the window and ignored him. Let him think I had thrown it away (had really just hid it in the footstool)! He asked if I HAD binned it (Brit speak for 'thrown it away'). Still didn't say - just snapped back that it was a waste of time and to forget about it. Back at the house, we sort of danced around each other, an uneasy silence where one knows the other is pissed off, and the one who is pissed off makes sure the other knows it. A couple of times he grabbed me in a bear hug with the "Tell me what's wrong!" line. Of course, I always gave back the "I'm fine!" bit. "No, you're not," was his reply, but did he then threaten to spank it out of me if I didn't start talking? NO! He'd growl and let me go. Finally stomped off to my computer and did some more searching.

And then, out of the blue, EUREKA! There it was, in an email I had saved - a link to a dd site that I had read once and liked. The site was Loving Domestic Discipline (there's a link to it on the right). I went back to it again and reread some of the articles. The one that stopped me cold was the FAQ for Men. It sounded like it could have been written by me, for me, about me! I felt a glimmer of hope. Saying a prayer, I hit the Print key and waited for the ten pages to feed through the printer. Before I could change my mind, I clutched the sheaf of paper in my hand and went down to the kitchen where my husband was.

He looked at me expectantly. I blurted out, "Ok, I'm giving this one last shot. Do you really want to know what I want?" "Yes!" was his immediate reply. "Then read this," I said, thrusting the papers toward him. "This could have been written about me." He took them and I grabbed my cigarettes and dashed for the back door. Told him I was going out for a smoke. What I really was doing was escaping - I didn't have the nerve to be in the same room while he read! So what does he do? Follows me outside! I asked him what he was doing. He plops down in one of the other lawn chairs and informs me he's going to do some reading - right there! *groan* I already had my cigarette lit so I had no choice but to stay there and finish it, staring at the ground as he slowly flipped through the pages.

When he finished, it was my stomach doing the flipping. He walked over to me and simply said, "We can do this. We'll start tonight." Hallelujah! Bells started ringing, the chorus started singing - ok, let's not get ahead of ourselves, I thought to myself. I looked up at him sideways. "You don't think I'm crazy?" I asked. He laughed. "I already knew you were. That's why I married you." I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was a start - there was still a lot to figure out, and I knew we would probably trip up here and there, but at least we had struggled over the first step. It remained to be seen what was going to actually happen that night and beyond. I was guessing that it was going to involve my bottom getting smacked, and most likely on a regular basis, but I was willing to take that chance. My hubby was becoming my hero.

More later on what happened that night! In the meantime, I highly recommend the Loving Domestic Discipline site. Thanks for the link, Lovingdd! I couldn't have done it without you! Check out the other great sites I've got links to. Many thanks to Tracy who has also put a link on her site, AngelBrat's Blog. Lots of good stuff there - don't miss it. As always, any comments, feedback, and suggestions are most welcome. Would love to hear from you all.


grace said...

Oh Leigh, this is my story all over again!

Printing stuff on the internet is exaxtly what I did, and things have been going pretty well for us. I've noticed this d/d thing is like a have definate highs, and also extreme lows. (at least for us)

But hang in there...I have a feeling things are going to get alot better for you!

Good luck!

Karyn said...

Thanks Grace! You'll see from my next post that things did get better, and I'm sure they'll improve even more over time.

Anonymous said...

Oh Leigh, I have a husband who had no problem with this situation. But to make it clear to him that this was no longer a trial and test thing, I talked guy talk. I spoke clear from the heart, although I don't normally talk this way, Randy was never fond of foul language coming out of my mouth, but I told him, women screech and holler, men walk around whimpering, we watched this in the grocery store a few times. Finally out loud in the store I said to him "Thank you for being a real man! Thank you for respecting yourself and not allowing me to sound like that and disrespect you and if I ever sound like that I pray you stay man enough to blister my Patootie!" Anyway, when we got hom, I let him know, I went through this mime thing, as if I was removing something from the front of my pants, dug in made faces looking upward to the left as if searching, then making the face of discovering and finding whatever it was I was searching for, pulling this imaginary set of you know whats out of my pants, unzipped his pants, pretended to place them where his were and jiggled them a little and asked "Does that fit okay?" he was laughing so hard, I said they feel like they are fitting you fine, then stepped back and looked at them beaming "Oh look dear! You got your balls back! Bout time you sported them instead of me!" Funny as all heck, but worked wonders. I reminded him every time when a decision had to be made, and he'd look at me, I'd give him a teasing look, then look down where I reset his you know whats, and asked him "You want to know what?" Then he took off soaring like an eagle. Let me tell you I got a butt whipping from him, before we ever heard of LDD. He was great at it, but at times he was afraid he was being too harsh, but I showed him I was no longer the one to make choices. He has limits for me and I don't test the waters very often as he knows, I'm never too thrilled to get a whipping with his belt, but what needs to be done, he does. But try approaching him with humor, and it may be easier for him to learn to stand on his own two manly feet, and thank him for taking the helm every time he does. Give him confidence in what he does and soon he will be soaring and leading like a man should!

Anonymous said...

Wow, just reading this all now. Somehow in a furious internet search stumbled upon all of this and geeze do I have to say that this is my life! Except we haven't gotten to the good part and I don't think we ever will. I sat here reading the bratiness that you describe in yourself and I think OMG this is totally me. I find that we often times fight because this sort of child like bratty attitude flares up about one time a week. It is almost like I can not handle my emotions or some of the daily stresses children and life bring along. I got him to give me a good once over one time, once, yup thats it...ONE TIME! I can only describe my feelings afterwards as EUPHORIC. I had no child like melt downs for about a week and then back to the usual. I started out with texts and emailing stories to him. Then broke down to actually (OMG) talking about what couldnt be a more embarassing situation for me...and still nothing. I leave the computer open to my search history, even so much as leave blogs like this I actually write fictional smut about it just to have an outlet for my desires. STILL NOTHING. I have all about given up here but somehow reading all this makes me feel not so rediculas. Thanks!